Because I spend a lot of time talking to kids about handling their anger, I can only assume that this is something that lots of people feel challenged by. So in an effort to give variety to my posts, I am throwing in a little "Life Skills 101". Here are some ideas for avoiding the loss of control when you are frustrated.
1) Take a break. Calm down before you respond. At school we call this GPS. GET calm, then focus. PLAN with self and others. SOLVE or start again. How does one calm down? Take deep breaths or go to the "happy place" (this is not the frig). This is that happy state in your mind when everything is calm and peaceful. Also exercise, counting to ten or one hundred, you get the idea.
2) Start with "I". We call these "I feel..." messages. Rather than saying "YOU so and so, YOU did this or that". Say, "I am confused when you..." or "I am frustrated". People generally can't argue about how you feel. There may be some that do, or it might not work. But, at least you get to express your feelings in a way that is as least argumentative as possible.
3) Don't look back. FOCUS on SOLUTIONS, not the past.
4) Anger is secondary. Usually anger is not the first emotion. Usually hurt, fatigue, hunger, pain, or other problems are the real emotion. Make sure you know. For me, just figuring out what is really going on with me, takes away the anger.
5) Decide that angry yelling is not allowed. We are never sorry for the things we DID NOT say. Apologies are always ok, too.
6) Listen to yourself. Record yourself sometime and see how you sound. Words can be very hurtful.
7) Write a note. If you are too emotional to speak, put together a nicely worded note.
1 comment:
that should be the name of your blog "life skills 101" it fits you perfectly! thanks for your wise words and guidance. you are one smart cookie! :)
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